A familiar cycle has appeared in my life since cancer: weeks come where life is exciting, body feels energetic and the future looks so sweet. I’m so happy in these times and can see all the gifts that cancer has brought to my life; new outlook on life, new friends and a deep respect for every moment. And then, for no anticipated reason, the cycle changes: body slows, new lumps come and cause an anxious worry, anger also for all that this disease has done. The cycle goes like this every couple of weeks.
As I find myself in the later part of the cycle this past week, I attempt to examine why this happens and most of all how to stop it.
Yesterday I found myself in bed on a Sunday at 2pm, feeling sick, exhausted and sad that I was not feeling able to enjoy the day with friends. I received a text from a friend who had a fun opportunity in front of her but also had so much to complete for work and wasn’t sure what to do. “Have fun, we both know how precious those moments are.” In my response back I began to wonder why I struggle with seeing other moments as precious ones? Lying in my bed, I am staring at the sweet faces of my dogs who look back at me with loving eyes. The sun is shining outside and the hazy air hints at autumn arriving. My sister speaks to me from the kitchen asking if I need anything. So much peace and love around me. In this moment I’m alive… How is this not precious?
While I think I would love for life to constantly stay in the sweet and energetic part of the cycle, I realize that this is not real life. Just like yin/yang, hot/cold, spring/summer — life needs to have opposing forces, opposing moments, opposing emotions to recognize the sweet and unique part of each.
Mindful, patient breaths and I am back in the moment, not regretting, not upset over my current state. Yes, this moment will shift in time, but fully being here and seeing the beauty allows me to recognize the precious uniqueness when the cycle shifts.
Vowing to stay in this moment, I reach out to feel two wet noses touch my hand, and tell my sister I love her as she heads out the door to spend time with friends. I take another deep breath of air as I am grateful for this moment, grateful to be alive.